This needs to be said.

So before I get into the main point of my writing tonight, I wanted to share a story I read today that left me impressed with the moral caliber of these kids and coaches: Rivals Allow Touchdown to... Quite an interesting tidbit around all the rampant running-up-the-score and lack of sportsmanship that happens these days. In any case...on to business.

With the help of my good friend Velociholmes,

I've been able to perform an investigation into a much unappreciated facet of women in today's world. I remember that I used (well, still do) to say that the woman I'm going to marry is going to tell me exactly why curves on highways are sloped - and I don't just want her to say "because cars will fly off otherwise" - I want the full explanation. But now I'm ready to add another pre-requisite (apart from being able to cook - ::shrug:: It's the truth) - she must love sports. But then again, let me narrow it down to either football, soccer, basketball, or baseball. If she's into pro-league badminton, then no. That doesn't count in my book. And you care about  my book - well, sort of - or else you wouldn't be reading this. This recently came to mind having met a few women who were particularly into their teams (you know who you are) - and I began thinking about all the ones I knew, and I realized - it's a rare trait. Now, of course, there are varying degrees of passion for the game, which I will enumerate in some detail.

1. The Indifferent Broad

Ah, of course. We've all met one or two at a point in our lives. The one who really, for all practical purposes, could care less about anything having to do with a sport - or getting dirty - or anything like that. The one who, not even to make her man happy, will even sit and watch a game with him, but will be off doing some complaining, shopping, sewing, or whatever women do in their spare time. This one must truly have some exquisitely redeeming quality to merit a long-term commitment, and I will boldly say that however awesome the sex may or may not be, it would never make up for a woman who would walk into the room, see you watching Sunday football or weekday night baseball, make a pissy face and a groan, and remind you that the kitchen cabinet needs to be fixed. She'll say she doesn't need to know sports. I'll say she better know how to make a mean filet mignon. And even then, she's on probation already.

2. The Bless-her-she's-Trying Girl

Yes, she's cute. Intelligent. Wants to make you happy, and will sit down with you whenever you are watching sports and try to enjoy the game along with you, despite having a very basic knowledge of the workings of the game you are watching. She'll ask plenty of questions, which one should have no problem in answering. After all, she can be taught. But she'll confuse a sport or two every now and then - "Did Joe Montana win the Golden Gloves? When did the Knicks win the Stanley Cup? Wait, this isn't Pokemon?" These can easily move up the ladder within a few months to a year, because she is making the effort to make you happy. A definite prospect - a project, so to say. A slight variant of this type is the one who only enjoys sports for you, or to try to impress you; but doesn't really make the effort to advance her knowledge. She's a reluctant one - who will try to get on your nerves when your team does poorly and support you when your team does well.

3. The Sports Fan only for the sake of being a Sports Fan Female

This is one of the more widespread subspecies (yes, I used the word subspecies - big whoop, wanna fightaboutit?) available currently on the market. She has a basic knowledge of the game, and also has a team or two that she represents - whether because she grew up in that city, attended that particular school, or had friends/parents who steered her in that direction. She's fiercely vocal about her teams, downright belligerent when it comes to having a conversation about these (most oftenly found from Boston or New York - go figure) - and also a relentless blabbermouth during games, opening her mouth (giggidy) even though she might be clearly wrong. "OH THAT WAS NOT PASS INTERFERENCE!" "FOUL?! THAT WASNT A FOUL?" - and then of course, who always talks about her team whenever she can despite not being able to recite an ounce of history about it. This is very prevalent for collegiate fans. But her lack knowledge of the game means she really can't be taken seriously. Anyone can don a jersey, name some superstars, and get excited when there's a long touchdown or a Grand Slam. I'm not impressed. This type is also hard to revert to another type.

4. The Perfect Wife/Girlfriend

These are keepers. These have an expanded knowledge of the game and of the history of it - whether solely of their team or of the entire sport in itself. While not fully fluent in the rules and regulations or all the players and teams, she is very passionate and well-versed - who will bring up debates and discussions with excellent points, and not simply loud hyperbole. She knows her rivalries, and can even give a basic analysis of what's going on, i.e., "the offensive line isn't giving the quarterback enough time" or "that was a sweet pick on that drive to the basket" or even "I prefer the 3-4-3 over the 2-4-4 formation." These are also seemingly blessed with the ability to do every thing that makes you realize, "Damn, I better hold on to her - she'll bring me a sandwich AND comment on the defensive fronts the [Colts] are running?" Of course in return, you do treat her right. They're firey when need to be, accept defeat well, know when to brag and when not to brag.

5. The Dream Woman

I say this because, for my part, I've realized that they seem to inevitably come with some sort of undeniable flaw that prevents them from being ideal companions. Too messy. Questionable reputation. Completely unknowledgeable in the kitchen. Turrrrible in the sack. No intelligence or common sense. So they continue to be only available in dreams. But in any case, they have a thoroughly detailed understanding of the traditions of the sport and are well-versed in tactics - questioning why the Eagles are lined up in the nickel formation, Cover 1 with a rookie safety against the Saints five-wide shotgun spread and their star QB, Drew Brees, who was only 16 yards shy last year of breaking Dan Marino's 1984 record for passing yards. These can watch a game with unbridled intensity and a deep understanding and ability to analyze. Watching a game of any sport with one of these is a real treat, adding to the experience. An incredibly rare find, but one that, again, will usually have some sort of catch that will make her remain a friend.

...there are some slight variations, though. Again, I want to sum it up by saying that a woman who loves sports is an incredible catch (as long as Darrelle Revis isn't involved - see? One of you might just get that) as a friend, acquaintance, or maybe even something more. Bless you females out there with this skill. You're unappreciated.

...and as for you who don't care much for any sport, maaaaan, I hope you are either a genius with a deep mind and ambition, a professional chef, or something like that. Might end up lonely with 40 cats (all asking for cheezburgers) in your old age! And so I leave you once again, but this time with the deep thoughts of Velociholmes distant relative, the Philosoraptor.